Ive been naughty
by puppy-on-crack
Summary: 50 THINGS IM NOT ALLOWED TO DO IN HOGWARTS! should be funny, each chapter is another 50!
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry potter…. I really wish I did

I stared at the blank paper in front of me. The horrible, disgusting piece of paper starred mockingly at me. I wish I had my wand. The offending parchment would be in ashes, smoking lightly in an empty room. Instead I am forced to sit here and glare banefully at it.

"Mr. Chive, your lines are not about to write themselves. Get to work." Professor McGonagall said sharply before stalking out. I picked up my quill and dipped it into the ink well . . .

I am not allowed to bleach professor Snape's hair.

Telling first-year muggleborns that the only way to protect against the monster in the Chamber of Secrets is to dress in neon yellow onsie, a blindfold and combat boots is not appropriate.

I am not allowed to braid Hagrids beard

. . . Nor can I dread lock Dumbledore's, no matter how much he liked it.

Putting temporary tattoo's of the dark mark on hufflepuffs' arms while they sleep is not funny.

. . . Videotaping them when they wake up and selling the tapes is also wrong.

Doing exorcisms on ghost is not allowed, especially on Professor Binns.

Polyjuicing myself as Voldemort, hiding behind a door and jumping out and screaming "boo" when Harry Potter walks by is wrong and malicious.

Telling Cho Chang that Cedric cheated on her before he dies, with me, is mean. That goes double if I am a male.

Asking people if they want to see my puppy named fluffy, and then leading them to the Forbidden corridor could be deadly and is not allowed. That is why it is forbidden.

I am not allowed to dye Ron's hair green.

. . . Nor Draco's red.

. . . Or Harry's blue, Hermione's purple, Dean's yellow, Fred and George's rainbow. . .

I am not allowed to own or use hair dye.

Professor Flitwick is not a munchkin and asking him where the lollipop guild is, is inappropriate.

Forcing the entire house-elf staff in Hogwarts to wear sock and be fired is not funny and hurts the house-elves more than I will ever know.

Saying I am professor Snape's slave is incorrect and nobody cares if it is my favorite fantasy.

I'm not allowed to write Draco Malfoy a love letter and say it was from Hagrid.

I'm not allowed to tell Professor Trewnally that I just Saw her death and it was in 2 minutes and 42 seconds.

Sacrificing Hufflepuff to the giant squid is not allowed

I am not allowed to curse the Ravenclaws so that every book they try to read turns into a porno

I am not allowed to tell Ron that Ginny is dating a 40 year old alcoholic; it is none of my business. It doesn't matter that I'm saying it because it is true and I'm worried.

Fred and George are not clones and neither one is going to become evil and kill me. Accusing them that they will is obnoxious.

Hermione is not related to a beaver, nor a squirrel or chipmunk. Implying that she is, is mean and rude.

A dog bone is not an appropriate gift for Sirius Black.

. . . nor is catnip for McGonagall

. . . A collar and lead for Professor Lupin is crossing a line.

Filch in a tutu is not an attractive sight and I should refrain from cursing him to wear one.

Forcing any person/staff/creature in the school to switch gender is not allowed.

Calling Pansy a "Pug-faced bitch" will result in punishment. It doesn't matter if she is out of earshot. It does not matter if I think it is unfair that I should be punished for "telling the truth".

Spreading rumors that Harry is pregnant with Draco's love child is not only stupid but impossible.

Telling the Muggle Studies teacher that in the Muggle Schools kids sleep with their students is not right.

I am not allowed to put unknown ingredients into the lunch goblets to "See what would happen"

I'm bored is not an excuse to charm paper balls to chase Professor Flitwick around the classroom.

I am not allowed to put any type of laxative in anything someone could consume.

I am not allowed to keep a creature from the Forbidden Forest under my bed, especially if it is much larger than my bed.

McGonagall is not having a love affair with Miss Norris. End of story.

I'm not allowed to ask professor Snape if we are making a lubricant every time he announces that we are making a new potion.

They have not, nor will they ever teach me to transfigure a penis and I must stop asking them to do so.

Charming Ron's clothes to run away from him screaming "rape" is wrong, no matter how many people laughed when he ran into the Great Hall naked except for a towel.

Dragons are illegal. The police don't care that you already bought a year's supply of food and it is not refundable. The dragon will be confiscated.

I am not allowed to handcuff together students or teachers to each other.

. . . Saying that the only way to unlock them is by kissing for 40 minutes straight is mean, especially when you pretend to throw away the keys in front of them.

I am not allowed to use compulsion charms to make Slytherins to think it is okay to sing "it's okay to be gay" in the Great Hall.

I am not allowed to use unforgivable on any living person. . . No reason is acceptable, even if they annoyed me.

School wide orgies are not "Interhouse Relations"

Professor Snape is not my father and crawling into his lap and calling him daddy is not appropriate.

. . . No part of the staff is related to me in anyway so I will not be getting extra credit on homework.

Bringing Harry Potter series to Hogwarts to cheat on my Divination test is horrible, especially if I leave it in a place I know Harry will see.

I am not allowed to change to school rule book in any way, including these 50 rules I have written down. These rules will be officially part of the rule book by the end of the year so children like me will not do them.

I giggled quietly as I sneaked out of the room. That was so much better than writing 'I will not make obscene bodily noises in class'. However, it did give me a few ideas . . . too bad they will know who it was.


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: not mine, really isn't.

Note: I did the first one thinking I could only get 50 things. Now I'm about to make it 100! I hope that they are just as good.

"Mr. Chive! Of all the disrespectful, horrible things you have done in this school this has got to be the worst! I gave you simple instructions and you go and mess them up this bad" Professor McGonagall waved the paper I had filled out in the previous detention. "Not to mention you went out and did over HALF of the things on the list . . . and all the ones including the teachers too! This time you will be doing it right! I want you to write "I will follow directions exactly as they are told" 500 times. And just to make sure you don't do anything stupid I will remain in the class room until you finish."

She sat down at her desk after handing me a blank parchment. Not five minutes into the detention a bell went off and the professor ran out of the room. I smirked. I pulled out my pink glitter pen and began to write.

Filling the entire Great Hall with Jell-O is not allowed, even if it is cherry and nobody doesn't like cherry.

I am not allowed to shrink any of the professors, and selling "pocket-sized Professors" to other children is wrong.

I am not allowed to give twenty different people polyjuice potion with either Fred or George Weasley's hair in it making it so we have 22 identical people running around.

. . . I am not supposed to have polyjuice potion to begin with and I am not allowed to use it . . . ever

In Divination class I did not See Professor McGonagall's boobs

. . . Nor did I See Professor Snape's Penis and no one cares if I had to look really hard because I almost couldn't find it, it was so small

There is no such thing as "Hump a HufflePuff Day"

. . . Nor "Grope a Gryffindor Day"

. . . "Spank a Slytherin Day" and "Rub a Ravenclaw Day" also don't exist. I should stop saying they do. I also need to stop making the cards, t-shirts, mugs, and hats that go along with each day.

House- elves are not my personal slave, making them rub my feet when ever is sit down is wrong.

. . . making them carry around my book 'just for the heck of it' will also result in me getting in trouble

Dumbledore is not Santa, telling first years that he is, is rude.

When addressing a teacher I should call them Professor, sir or ma'am . . . Master, mistress, lord, lady, and God are not correct ways to talk to a teacher.

Professor Snape is not Michael Jackson; he was never born a little black boy.

If and when we have a ball I will wear formal MALE robes, wearing a dress, leather, lacy underwear or nothing at all are disturbing and unacceptable.

I did not see Fred George and Percy having a incestuous gay threesome last night, or ever.

I am not allowed to say that I created a spell that will give you the answer to any question you ask and cannot be detected on a test.

. . . saying that I have a spell that will let a person have sex with whoever they want with no consequences.

. . . selling the spells for 10 galleons (or any amount of money) is not right.

. . . especially if the spell i do give them makes the words "I am a desperate loser" float above their head for two days.

When professor Flitwick says "pull out your wand" I am not allowed to unzip my pants and pull out, well . . . you know!

My penis is not the amazing results of a new spell; I am not allowed to show it to people for 5 galleons a peek.

Just because my mother sent me a box of tampons for some unknown reason, does not mean I should show it to everyone

I am not allowed to give miss Norris cat nip and then let her loose in the Great Hall

Owning a Giant is illegal, just because I am in school does not mean I won't go to jail.

Sending any of the Weasley children birth control, whether anonymously or not, and saying it's for their mom is in bad taste and will be punished.

. . . Sending Mr. Weasley a brochure about vasectomies is wrong, and can easily be traced back to me.

Using red spray paint to paint "the Chamber of Fantasies is open again" is mean and will cause some people to have bad nightmares

The activities that happen in porno's are not real, I am not allowed to recreate them

When asked to make a potion I MUST use the ingredients and instructions that are given to me BY THE PROFESSOR.

Sending Harry a love letter signed by Voldemort is disturbing and horrifying, and should be avoided.

When writing in red ink I am not allowed to tell first years that it is blood of those who asked me annoying questions.

Acting like I am possessed by an animal or anybody is wrong and frightening.

. . . It is also not an excuse for not getting my homework done.

Having my period and PMS is only an excuse a female can use for being mean. I, as a boy, am not allowed to use that excuse.

Just because I am able to bend and kiss my own rear-end, does not mean I should.

I am not the direct descendant of Godhhel Hirrefn, the man who invented sex.

. . . nor am I related to Haley Visind, the woman who created the idea of death

I am not allowed to tell Harry that Voldemort changed his dark mark and that it now a purple flower that sits on the left shoulder.

. . . Placing said mark on Hermione and Ron when they aren't paying attention is wrong.

Draco Malfoy is not a girl, no matter how girl he acts, and taking his clothes of with magic in public is rude and will be punished with detention.

The muggle toys that grow in water are not magic and cannot be used for a project in any of your classes including transfiguration, charms or potions.

Just because they are ghost it doesn't mean that their feelings can't get hurt.

I am not allowed to throw water on lord Voldemort to see if he will melt, that will result in my death and no one will feels sorry for me.

Seamus does not have a drinking problem because he is Irish, telling him to go to AA meetings is very insulting and I will stop doing it immediately.

I am to sit at my own house table, every day and every meal . . . no exceptions.

If I call professor Umbridge, professor "UmBitch" I will get detention, even if I am not talking to her directly. She is still my superior and deserve me respect, no matter how stupid she really is.

Attempting to kill any student, teacher or creature will get me expelled and have an extensive stay in Azkaban.

I must share the dorm with my roommates. Locking them out of the room for the entire night will get me punished, especially if I get rid of their possessions for more room for mine. It does not matter if I think I need more space.

When I ask Harry if I may ride his broom I MUST be talking about his Firebolt, any other interpretation will be considered sexual harassment.

I snorted as I left the room again. When will Professor McGonagall learn? And right before I left I grabbed a can of red spray paint that had been confiscated earlier this year. Then I bolted out the door, passing the professor with a quick wave.

THERE ALL DONE! Yay I'm sooo happy. I hope you liked it!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, I'm back again. I haven't been able to write anything since my last class! Oh well, now schools out and I can do something. Hopefully I'll be writing a lot soon! I love you all (not in a creepy way, okay it's a little bit creepy but what love isn't?)

I skipped down the hallway to the potions classroom. At exactly 8:00 I knocked on the door. Professor Snape yanked open the door and glared at me.

"At least someone was on time." And he gestured me through the door. "Now Mr. Chive, here is the deal. McGonagall has forced our presence on me today because she said that , and I quote, 'I cannot deal with that attention leech any longer.' So I will be going, you are too finish cleaning these pots before I'm back." Then he left to room

I pulled out my paper and began to write, starting by scrawling 'Rule additions part three'

The quidditch showers are for showering ONLY

Mrs. Weasley is not part banshee, nor was she turned into a banshee.

Just because I know the ten most disgusting facts does not mean I am allowed to share them at dinner.

Telling harry to "Stop bitching because we all have problems with our parents" is horrible

Putting growth hormones in the Headmasters lemon drops is wrong, even if I think he is a bit on the short side.

Just because I miraculously found the way to change the password on the dorms does not mean I am allowed to change them.

. . . forcing the Slythrins to say "muggle love is the best love" to enter their dorms is wrong, doesn't matter that it is an attempt to stop racism.

. . . similarly I shall not force the Ravenclaws to say "knowledge means nothing in the real world", HufflePuffs to say "we are the reject house" or the Gryffindors to say "You can remember how brave I am when I'm dead"

I must remember that adders are poisonous; the fact that I got bit should be a reminder that sneaking animals into school in my pants is wrong.

Just because first years will believe that there is a secret room in the dungeons that is filled with candy isn't a good enough reason to send them below the school where they will surely get lost.

When Lucius Malfoy visits the school on business I will not shout "look he is wearing a bow!" in the middle of the Great Hall.

When Hermione asks me to donate to S.P.E.W I am not supposed to jump up and shout "How dare you? My mother was a house elf!" especially when it is obviously not true.

If it is illegal in the muggle world I should assume that it is illegal here.

I will not make "team Voldemort" tshirt.

. . . Nor will I make "future death eater" shirts and pass them out to the slytherins.

Asking Minister Fudge if he keeps his brain in his tiny bowling hat is rude and I will be punished, regardless if it was "an expression of my political beliefs"

I am not on a strict diet of lobster, filet minion, and caviar. I will eat what is served at lunch.

. . . Giving it a stupid name and pretending to have a doctor's note won't change anything.

If I sent Voldemort a brochure for plastic surgery, especially if it had a coupon for a nose job, no one is obliged to save me when he comes to kill me.

I will get punished if I set all the animals in the transfiguration classroom free t roam the halls.

The table in the front of the Great Hall is for teachers only.

. . . Just because I think I am a teacher doesn't mean I am.

Harry will not show me the Chambers of Secrets, I should stop asking.

I am no longer allowed to talk to Luna Lovegood because I am bad for her mental health.

Hogwarts portraits are hundreds of years old. It is incredibly wrong to paint over them or to draw mustaches on them with sharpies.

When Professor Snape is giving Harry a detention I am not allowed to scream "It's just like the breakfast club!"

. . . It is worse if I am not actually in the class at the time and I ran out of my actual class all the way to the dungeon just to burst in and shout it.

Asking Neville if his parents are out of the cookoo house yet, it is incredibly rude and malicious.

It's not okay to ask Hermoine if she has any friends in the muggle world.

. . . It is even worse if she says yes and I say "oh good, because you don't have any here."

I will not give Snape a sex toy with a note that reads "this is to relieve some of that pent up aggression." he will know who it's from and he will give me detention.

Miss Norris is not a seat cushion.

Teachers do support house spirit but that does not mean I can show up in a colored thong and sequin vest of my house color during a quidditch game.

"Performing magic" is not an acceptable activity to do in the talent show.

I will not force Crabbe and Goyle to give me piggy back rides.

I am not allowed to be within 1000 yards of Rita Skeeter and if I try to contact her in any way I will be arrested. They are serious this time.

I will not write Mrs. Weasley and tell her that Ron got pregnant and is going to get an abortion. I cannot finish the letter with a post script that says "I just wanted to tell you because it is obvious that your family is very pro-choice."

I shall not start rumors that Voldemort's animagus is a kitten. It would be good for my health if I stopped trying to spread rumors about a mass murdering lunatic.

I am to stop singing "hi ho hi ho it's off to work we go" every time professor Flitwick passes by me. He will give me a detention EVERY TIME that I do it.

It is not funny to pretend you are going to commit suicide by jumping off the astronomy tower. The moment I'm out of the hospital wing, because my cushioning charm was poorly cast, I will be serving detention.

My stuffed animal is not my familiar. It is disruptive to carry a six foot gorilla to each of my class.

I am not allowed to wear high heels. No one cares if they make my calves look fantastic.

I will not go to professor Umbridge's class wearing a fur coat and when she asks what it is I will not say "it's made from the finest skin of purebred Persian cat."

Teachers will no longer send a search party if I feel the need to get lost in the Forbidden Forest for the tenth time.

"" is not a real spell and I need to stop trying to make it do something.

I am not allowed to cover my wand in sparkles and put a star at the end. No one cares if it is my wand and if I like it, it ruins my spells and makes the entire wizarding world look like a joke.

The common room is not for "smelly, ugly, common people" and I will not get second years to carry my across the room so my feet won't touch the "dirty, plebian carpet"

I cannot bring marijuana as a herbology project

. . . It is not the muggles only magical plant and I am not allowed to share it with the class to "show them the effects"

I have been told countless times that "Being too sexy" is not a reasonable excuse for not doing homework and if I want to get good grades I should actually do my work every once in a blue moon.

I sighed and put down my quill. Rolling the scroll up I wrapped it with a pink ribbon and called a owl. After telling him to deliver it to professor McGonagall I pulled out my wand. With a flick the cauldrons cleaned themselves. I sauntered towards the door before stopping. I walked back to the storage room and tucked a few jars under my robes.

As I walked out the door a hand fell on my shoulder. Looking up Professor Snape glared down at me.

"You should know Mr. Chive; I count everything in my store room. Should anything be missing I feel like you would understand if I look at you first." I sighed and slipped the jars out and put them on the floor before walking back to my dorm.

Wow. . . . That too for freaking ever! Unfortunately it seems that things that your not allowed to do seem really hard to find. Well I'm gonna try to keep going. I wouldn't expect any more than 2 or 3 more chapters.

Todooloo or whatever,

Pupp-on-crack.

Ps_ thanks to all those who reviewed! Ur guys are completely and totally awesome! *turns to conscious* there are you happy? I didn't want to do that. . . I now it's the right thing to do but . . . I'm not that bad . . . NO you SHUT UP! . . . FINE! I DON'T EVER WANNA HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN!


	4. Chapte 4 FINAL CHAPTER

Ok, so here it is. I know it's been about two years since I have posted anything, let alone on this story. And I am ashamed to say I have had this last part of the story completely written for over a year. I just haven't been able to post. However, now I'm in college and will have many-a-times to procrastinate. So I will try and finish up everything I've written.

So I beg your forgiveness on bended knee and downturned face. …. Also with the cyber gift of cookies and signed air guitars! *Throws them into the crowd joyfully*.

Hopefully this chapter is as funny as the last one. It is INCREDIBLY hard to write these without copying or stealing from someone. The damn person who made the 1000 things you can't do really pissed me off for stealing my ideas before I had them!

ONWARD WE RIDE TO THE LAND OF LAUGHS AND PENIS JOKES!

~O~

"Mr. Chive. It seems like we are having a problem." Headmaster Ablus Dumbledore said, looking over his silly glasses.

"Really? I don't see it." I said with a half-hearted shrug.

"If you go to the hospital wing, you would see every proof of evidence that your pranks are causing havoc." Dumbledore crossed his fingers in front of his face. I mimicked it and hummed as if I was thinking about it.

"Not all of that was my fault." I tried to explain. Dumbledore chuckled and leaned back.

"But it was your writing that caused nearly all the students to run around like wild Biggilypods and start and unstoppable prank war. They even start a say… does "its not in the rules yet" ring a bell?" I shook my head but I couldn't stop the smirk that crept on my face. I had told that to a third year. "Well, with that slogan in mind I have found the perfect punishment for you…." The headmaster trailed off dramatically.

"You are to serve detention every night for a month writing these rules so that they can be immediately put in the rule book. After you leave you will be put under a spell that prevents you from doing any of the things you have written about." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he saw my crestfallen face. "You start tonight, and I would be careful with your wording ." He swept out of his office and a paper and my favorite glitter pen appeared in front of me.

I will stop making Hogwarts: A History follow Hermione around saying "Marry me, you know you want to".

Shaving Fang is against the rules

…. Shaving any pet that is not mine without PERMISSION from the owner is strictly forbidden

I did not "See" Professor Snape's death in divination and I will stop alluding that Professor Trelawney is the only one who can stop it by kissing him.

If I am caught giving Luna acid again I will be expelled. No one cares if she likes it; no one else can deal with it.

I will stop telling first years that thestrals are "pink, fluffy, have bunny ears and thirst for human flesh… MWAHAHAHA"

Playing "I got your nose" with Lord Voldemort is suicide and no one will cry at my funeral.

I will stop sending Harry gay porn. He knows who it's from and he is no longer amused.

I am not allowed to walk into the Great Hall naked. I should not require and explanation why.

No more love potions ….. end of story.

I will not give Fred and George dog collars. No one cares that I can't tell them apart, they are not animals.

I will not make fun of Lucius Malfoy's bow, no matter how girly and stupid it looks.

If any teacher hears the statement "Come on, it'll be fun. Just put on this helmet and go for it!" They will stop whatever is going on immediately.

I will stop stealing people's wands and returning shaped as penises.

I am not to be sending Neville rememberalls with the note "Now you finally have some balls".

My patronus is not a giant throbbing penis.

. . . no one else has a penis patronus, it is not an animal and therefore cannot be a patronus.

Just because I THINK I know a spell to put out fires does not mean I should set a fellow student on fire just to test it out.

I will stop trying to Imperious Professor Snape to sing "I feel pretty". It is illegal and I will be arrested . . . assuming I am still alive when Snape is released from the spell.

The Ministry of Magic is not my playground

It is against the rules to set Fluffy free, it causes havoc and five kids got hurt last time.

I will stop trying to ride the giant squid

I will stop cursing Professor Lockhart's mirrors to show him bald. He is on the verge f a mental breakdown and we do not have a replacement yet.

I am not allowed to send Professor Umbridge ANOTHER dead Persian cat . . .ever.

I cannot speak German and for the sake of everyone's ears I need to stop trying.

Drawing penises in goat's blood is not a magic ritual and I will stop doing it in the girls bathroom.

Mimicking Professor Snape with sock puppets has dire consequences.

I will stop trying to give Centaurs carrots. They think it is rude, it doesn't matter if you were trying to be nice.

The proper way to answer a question I don't know is to say "I don't know professor." It is not "Havent gotta fucking clue. Who do you take me for, Miss beaver breath over there?"

I will stop tying Crabbe and Goyles shoe laces together and then sit and watch them with popcorn for 30 minutes trying to struggle and stand up.

I will stop poking Draco Malfoy with a pointed stick.

. . . no one cares if I wanted to see what the school motto meant.

I will stop walking up to Harry and say "What happened? It looks like your dog dies." That is just cruel.

It is expressly forbidden to try and pants any person, student and faculty alike.

I am not allowed to say "I was under imperious at the time" every time I am accused of breaking a rule.

I will stop calling Ginny a "ginger weasel faced bitch" and stop yelling at her for "stealing my man".

When Voldemort enhances his voice to threaten the entire school I should not stand up and yell "Oh yeah?! I'd like to see you try!"

I am not a pirate, ninja or astronaught.

. . . . as well as a cowboy, bull rider, biker, pimp or Russian mobster.

. . . . I will not tell first years that I am.

Contrary to my belief, people are allowed to say no to my sexual advances.

I am never ever, ever allowed to touch a wizarding camera again . . . ever.

"It's big enough to hold an elephant" is a statement, not a challenge.

It's against the rules to have a glitter bomb. That is a bomb which explodes 10 lb of glitter on every surface within fifty feet . . . no one cares if I made it myself and it is awesome.

I will stop showing up to formal occasions in a bondage mask.

Calling Malfoy "Cutsie wootsie pooki ferrity face" will get me cursed, so to alleviate stress from Madam Pomphrey (Who is tired of seeing my face everyday) I am forbidden to say it.

I cannot shout "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS" every time someone disagrees with me.

. . . Even more so, I am not allowed to carry out myself decided punishment. I will be taken to a mental health facility and undergo extensive treatment if it try.

I will shut down my owl-order porn business . . .immediately.

My fellow students are not "Mewling quim" and I will stop referring to them as such.

I will not follow Madam Pomphrey around singing "OO EE Oh ah-ha ting tang walla walla bang bang". (A/N: Ten bucks to anyone who realizes exactly why this had me in hysterical laughter)

SO there started my official day as the Hogwarts Professional Rule Writer. It saddened me to think I could do none of these things. Copying the paper with my wand, I stuffed it in my pocket. I might not be able to do it, but there are quite a few people willing to break the rules.

~0~

MY GOD. I'm actually done! Hurray. SO that was the last installment of this story. I might think of more on the way, in which case I will start a sequel, but I doubt it. Way too lazy. For all of you who stayed with me all this time, thank you. You are certainly the best!

Now I gotta go and try and find candy…. I got hungry writing this!


End file.
